One of the poems (the other two are on this page) that helped me tie for 3rd place in the Queer Poetry Slam by Vancouver Pride Society
I use to drown myself in mediocrity just so I would fit in
And wondered why I hated every moment being in my own skin
Never understood why it didn’t feel quite right – if only I was like them
Watched the world around me to know how to look, how to be femme
How to mask every single part of who I am
To be smaller, more acceptable, more digestible,
To be accepted, to be liked, to be loveable,
But really to them I was just replaceable.
That person wasn’t real,
Just a reflection of broken society
A mirror of all the ways difference is erased
A human embodiment of anxiety
A way to protect myself, but what a waste
The world is a dangerous place for someone like me
There’s always someone else that they need me to be
Told I need a cure for my Autism and ADHD
Told I shouldn’t exist being disabled, being me.
I tell them I’m pan
But god forbid I date a man
Then magically I’m not seen as queer anymore
Too hetero-passing, here’s the door
Suddenly my community is gone
And then showing up in queer spaces feels wrong
I tell them I’m non-binary
But god forbid I don’t give androgyny.
Don’t put me in your box, in your two ways to exist
Stop trying to make me something you can dismiss
I am sick of this core wound of not being enough,
Of being othered and outcasted and told I’m too much
As if my soul and my being needs to change
to fit into this stupid societal game
I deserve to take up space and be true to who I am
Not who they need me to be, not a woman, not a man.
I deserve to honour the spectrum of my identity
And to celebrate every single part of me.
I am different and may rub people the wrong way
But I’m proud of the person who is standing here today.
Still so much more to learn and ways I need to grow
But I am a beautiful soul, this much I know.
It will take me a lifetime to unravel these constraints they’ve put me in
But by showing up exactly as I am, the freedom can begin.
Being Queer and Neurodivergent helped me to see,Caitlin Mellor, July 24th, 2022
That I am fiery, I am unique, and limitless in who I can be.
I know now that I am enough and I am worthy
And no one can ever take that away from me.
In previous works I may refer to myself as a woman or in feminine terms.
I no longer identify as such but have kept the words as I had originally written them.
I want to be one with the wild waters.– Caitlin Mellor, May 27, 2019
I want the freedom to embrace myself in my own skin,
To know I am part of nature,
and let the healing begin.
I want to kiss my cellulite
and forgive the years of hate,
I want to hug my curves and apologize for the self-love arriving so late.
I want to feel beautiful like the way the trees hug the shore.
I want to accept myself knowing my mind is meant for more..
more than self deprecating judgment,
more than worrying about perceptions.
I want the freedom to be in my own skin,
and to love myself fully,
I want to just be, like the currents from a stream.
To let go of the “should be”’s,
I want to stand naked and not be afraid of how I look
I want to be free from what all the abuse took.
I am not my body,
I am not my scars,
I am not my pain.
I am nature,
I am goddess,
I am something wild you cannot tame.
I am divinity and nature as they intertwine,
I am a soul in a body and this body is mine.
I want to cherish it for all the grace that it can give
I want to be free like wild waters..
I want to just live.
I thought I was running to you– Caitlin Mellor, December 16, 2018
but I found myself standing out on an open edge
met by a vast nothingness
a deafening silence
and the realization I was left alone, again.
More empty promises,
more fake words
by men who desperately want my approval
but don’t care to stay.
I am not your god damn babysitter.
I am not your door mat.
I am a fucking queen.
My throne is not yours to sit in.
My crown is not yours to have.
I am not a vessel for you to heal your pain
and abandon when you’re done.
Don’t make me your healer
if you don’t want to make me home.
You visit me in my dreams.– Caitlin Mellor, January 2019
No wonder there is pain in the waking.
But that’s how it is sometimes,
two perfect strangers
following the pull of their souls;
Destined to share perfect moments
but not destined for forever.
I’m not here to play nice or conform.– Caitlin Mellor, November 1, 2018
I’m here to shake shit up.
To force people to meet themselves,
to ask the world to wake up,
to ask the questions people aren’t asking themselves,
to affect change.
I was never meant for a small life,
I was meant to create waves,
I was meant to make an impact.
I do the work that I do, not to be well liked
but because it is what I know in my soul is right.
I don’t apologize for making people uncomfortable.
I don’t apologize if being blunt makes you hate me.
Good, hate me,
at least I’m making you feel something.
At least I’m awakening a part of you that you didn’t want to confront.
Your perception of me is a reflection of you.
Your reaction to my words and actions are a reflection of the state of relationship you have with yourself and the world around you.
I won’t ever be well tolerated, but
No one who created real change was ever well liked.
No one who accomplished amazing things did so by following the rules.
I won’t apologize for who I am.
I won’t back down from fighting for what’s important.
I won’t apologize if you think I’m hard to swallow.
I never asked to be well liked.
I asked for change.
And so we meet our fears head on.– Caitlin Mellor, August 30, 2018
For in our fears we know we will find the things that are most worth doing.
Our fear is our friend guiding us to what we must learn,
what we must overcome,
how we must grow..
otherwise we become stagnant and unsatisfied.
We are the wild ones,
the ones often called “crazy” by those not moving forward,
the ones who are met with judgment and ridicule for our lifestyles.
But we are the ones truly alive,
we are the ones seizing each opportunity,
we are the ones marching bravely into adventures;
directing our lives
instead of sitting back and letting life happen to us.
We can be found where the wild things are
because we know we are one with the wild.
We have an unquenchable desire to
explore, discover, and adventure
through the beauty that surrounds us.
We are the doers,
who make dreams a reality.
Some call us free spirits,
some call us hedonists,
some call us reckless.
But we know that how we define ourselves is less important than how we choose to live.
We are a unique breed not often found.
We refuse to become complacent with the monotony, mediocre, or mundane.
We break the chains,
we crack the mould,
we exceed expectations,
we push boundaries,
and we refuse to meet our point break;
we are the ones who live life without limits.
Sacred S e r e n i t y
The trees, the water, the mountains.. call to me.
They call me home.
My wild soul runs far and wide.
My wild soul runs free.
The waves wash over me.
Carrying me, holding me, healing me.
The alpine air fills my lungs.
The wind kisses my face.
The forest holds space for me.
I find recluse in the wild.
I find my way home.
I expand. I become.
Mother Nature and I are one.
Sacred serenity finds me
In the wild.
Never too much or to little of something.
I come as I am, I’m accepted as I am.
Just me and the trees, the water, and the mountains.
They stand before me but we stand as one.
I devote my life to heal it, as it has healed me.– Caitlin Mellor, August 19, 2018
I am not my own.– Caitlin Mellor, April 22, 2018
I am a small part in a much bigger world.
I am merely one person,
in one period of time,
on a giant beautiful planet.
There is destruction here,
there is hatred,
there is mainly stupidity.
But there is a freedom in the land
– a solace.
There is peace and silence in the mountains
and power in the sea.
There is tranquility in the forest
and messages in the wind.
I am not my own,
I am a moment in time.
I am one creature on vast land
who puts my life in the hands of Mother Nature each time I climb
and thank her when I arrive safely at the end of my journey.
This land is not mine,
it’s not anyone’s.
This planet is hers – Mother Nature.
And isn’t she beautiful?
Always standing alone,– Caitlin Mellor, 2018
and that’s okay my darling.
Not everyone has evolved enough to meet you
as you stand in your grace and solidity.
You represent a far off goal they fear they can’t achieve.
People are afraid of meeting themselves,
and you, my darling, force them to.
You are terrifying..
not because you’re not worthy,
but because you are more real than most things on this planet.
You are truth in a sea of lies.
You are a mirror when someone doesn’t want to see themselves.
You give unconditional caring,
when they don’t know how to love themselves.
You are terrifying and beautiful because you are real,
and not everyone is capable of being real,
not everyone is capable of accepting what is real.
Keep standing tall anyway.
Never let their inability to accept and appreciate you to hurt you,
never take it personally,
because “people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves”.
Don’t you see my darling?
They can’t care for you if they have no idea how to care for themselves.
You are beautiful and brave and raw in your authenticity.
Never let anyone dampen your brightness,
just because they don’t know how to see the light.
Dedicated to all the authentic women out there; never forget you’re brave and beautiful and worthy of love and belonging in this world.
She came crashing onto your shores– Caitlin Mellor, Autumn 2017
Tempting you to explore her depths
Her kiss still lingers on your lips
Her smile still in your memory
She is a force of nature, wild and unattainable
But you crave her wild nature
She changed you, taught you, inspired you
She is those waves at your feet
Tempting you to dive into her depths
She is a something running free
And you never wanted to catch her
You just wanted to run beside her
You wanted to see her wild soul
You wanted to be led down those wild paths
She crashed up against you, soaking you in everything she is
You couldn’t help yourself, you wanted to swim in her waters
Her memory still lingers in your head, in your dreams
She’s another beautiful place in the world you’ve discovered
No one else can compare to her
And like the waves, her memory will come crashing back to remind you.
I couldn’t walk to Angel– Caitlin Mellor, August 30, 2016
I turned back half way through
It felt wrong to be there
By the thought of you
I was terrified to come face to face
With the memories we had made
I wanted to be brave but I’m still waiting
for this heart ache to fade