love – Living Life Without Limits

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Taking Care Of Myself

March 28, 2018March 28, 2018 Living Life Without Limits

Self care can sometimes be taking a step that may not seem rational like quitting your job, walking away from friendships and relationships, or literally standing up and walking away from a situation whether it be an event, a conversation, or a space you don’t feel safe in. Self care can be realizing the stressors in your life and doing a mass removal of them. That is what I have been focusing on lately.

I’ve been choosing myself and my well being over everything else. I’ve walked away from people and things that bring negativity and stress in my life and instead started putting myself first again. I’ve gone to yoga class instead of obligations because it was what I needed more for my health. I’ve spent a weekend saying goodbye to things that weighed me down and spent my days going out in nature and taking photos and videos for the joy of the art.

I made a decision I had had enough of the toxic atmosphere I was in, of the ridicule there. So I stood up and walked out, turned my phone off and felt the weight of the stress melt off my shoulders with the warm sun. I had forgot how much I missed the sun and I went out to trails I use to know well. I watched the sun stream across the open fields of grass and smiled as I approached a trail marker and realized it was part of the Trans Canada Trail – something that is on my bucket list.

I didn’t spend long here but it put me into a state of existential contemplation. I thought of all the things on my bucket list and what they would look like. I thought of how my life is bigger than these stressful times. I thought of future adventures but I also wondered what these places would look like twenty years from now. I wondered how much of our Earth will still be this wild and beautiful and how much of it will be gone.

I finished my night of breaking away from negativity at a hot yoga class. Standing in tree pose (Vrikshasana) looking out the window at the mountains in the distance and the hue of pink blanketing the landscape with the setting sun. I knew 100% that I had made the right decision even if it meant consistent money wasn’t coming into my bank account anymore.

It was breaking away from that atmosphere that inspired me to go out and enjoy my freedom. When I woke up I was graced with another great sunny day and set out to new trails I had never been to before with my cameras. I wanted to go out and enjoy nature while also just taking photographs for me again, for the love of the art, not for anything else. It brought back that childlike joy of discovering a new place, exploring, and being in awe of the beauty.

I watched the rapids of a waterfall mesmerized by the patterns and continued along the trail to see what awaited me. I found a perfect juxtaposition between peaceful green trails and thrills as I stood beside three waterfalls all interconnecting. There were many different waterfalls I got to capture that day. I later sat at the top of one and as the water fell I looked down the canyon in front of me wondering how I could get down there to get photographs. It inspired a future adventure I knew I could accomplish to come up river into the canyon to get the photographs of the waterfalls from the perspective of the water below.

I haven’t had that much fun in a long time. As I walked back to my car I thought to myself how wonderful it felt to just go out with no time constraints, no expectations, not knowing what I would find but just enjoying it all. It’s what I miss most about travelling solo consistently – zero compromise. But it also reminded me the joy of discovering new things and just exploring for however long I wanted to so I could discover the area.

The next day I had to compromise to attend an event I didn’t want to be at. But it was a celebration because it was the last event volunteering for an NGO who had lost it’s way and gave me no appreciation for my huge contributions and dedication. As soon as the event finished I felt that same sense of freedom I had two days earlier with the weight of stress lifting off my shoulders. I was free from another constraint and knew that it opened me up to be able to seek out greater environmental opportunities.

I brought all that I needed to explore the area after the event if I still had energy. And luckily I not only had energy but the sun was still shining so I set off again out onto the trail to chase waterfalls. I rediscovered an area I hadn’t seen in 5 years and I worked hard to get the angles I wanted of the waterfalls despite fences or tourists everywhere. Despite the obstruction it was because of the fences that I was lead to a beach below where the water was so clear and beautiful I knew I had to come back on the next sunny day to swim. I looked out from the beach and saw rocks in the area that would be perfect for self portraits and I knew I had to return to capture the vision I had in my head (the feature photograph for this article is one of those).

I didn’t want to retire from my adventures completely so I spent my last bit of daylight sitting in the forest with my watercolours. It was the first time in a long time I have remembered to bring them with me on an adventure to capture my inspiration with my words and paints instead of just my camera. I forgot how much fun it was to plein air paint. Eventually the mosquitos came out so I headed home to celebrate St. Paddy’s Day in a relaxed way with my mom.

I did my research, checked out the weather and knew that I only really had one day where it was guaranteed sun to return back to the same spot for my swim and photographs. So a few days later I set off to get the portraits I had imagined in my head and to have my second polar swim of the year. I decided to again try to integrate video into my adventure, offering me the opportunity to experiment with a different artistic medium. It gave me so much joy creating something new and sharing my adventures with others from my days of freedom.

While drying off in the sun from my swim and packing up my gear I met someone from Spain visiting the area. I didn’t know at the time but he later told me that he was walking on the trail above while I swam and a guy made a comment to him about how crazy it was someone was swimming down there. He told me he had to come down to meet someone who would dare to swim in those waters.

This lead to one of my last adventures in my domino series of outdoor discovery. The next day was his last day in Vancouver and he had asked if I would meet him. While it wasn’t what I had planned I thought back to all the times I’ve been in a new city and a new friend I had met offered to take me on an adventure. It’s those spontaneous trips and memories that are the best I’ve had so I knew I wanted to pay it forward. I gave him a list of adventure ideas and he chose to do his first winter hike with me.

Despite a cloudy day we persevered out into the snow filled back country for a small hike hoping for the chance to catch a view through the clouds. Although that didn’t happen I still got to show him how to interact with the wild birds on their terms. I laughed to myself thinking “what a Canadian experience – in the snowy mountains having Canada’s national birds land on your hand”. As we headed down from the mountain we even had a deer cross the road near us. I was happy despite the lack of view it was a rich experience in wildlife.

It had been a great way to celebrate the Spring Equinox and as we returned to the city so did the sun. I got to enjoy the last little bit of sun we would have for awhile by the sea, excited to see blossoms in bloom on the trees. It was a great segue from winter to spring and into the next chapter of adventures to come.

It was because of that break out moment that I returned to the things that feel most rewarding in my life and bring me joy. I haven’t felt more inspired and free and joyous in a long time. Standing up for myself against people that don’t appreciate me and putting my mental health and joy first created a huge ripple effect through my life. It has significantly changed my level of happiness and creativity and productivity. I have created more in those 5 days than I have in months.

Never forget the power of putting what is best for you first. Never forget the power of walking away from things that are negative and no longer serve you (and knowing you don’t need to explain yourself if it’s going to fall on lost ears). Never forget the power of going after what you love and bringing joy into your days. I was grateful for the much needed reminder I ended up giving myself.

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Never Apologize For Who You Are

November 5, 2017November 5, 2017 Living Life Without Limits

It took me getting away from the people and places I had grown up with to truly know who I am and to truly learn how to love myself. It was within exploring more of the globe that I came to know who I really was and came to know life with joy and passion and love that wasn’t ridiculed or judged or conditional. When I’ve had to return back to where I grew up I climb mountains and swim in oceans or lakes to find that same type of freedom from their never ending plight to conform me.

I’ve come to see we all play roles in each others lives. We each come into one another lives, whether short or long, whether doing good or bad to serve a purpose that affects our personal growth process. We are each teachers and we are each learners. You can never really control who you will be for someone else. Some people come into your life to teach you either with love or with hurt, or at times both. Other times you enter people’s lives to do the same.

I have been the teacher to many and I have been taught by many. There are times when I’ve had to play the role of “bad guy” to others (especially in my younger years) and I’ve had others play that role for me. Most of my life was learning lessons the hard way through hard love, hurt, loss and trauma. It wasn’t until recent years that I’ve been given the gifts of learning lessons through love and kindness and compassion and I learned to give my wisdom in the same way.

It was my first experience with learning a lesson through the caring of someone else that I began to understand the roles we play. At the time I said something that was beyond what I consciously knew or understood. I told a person that despite our disagreement and odd timing in each others lives that something in my soul was telling me not to lose them. I said that just like that same gut instinct that told me to move half way across the world alone, it was telling me that they were suppose to be something big in my life or I was meant to be something big to them. I told them that I didn’t understand how but I knew that either I was suppose to teach them something or they were suppose to teach me something or we would both learn from each other but no matter what it was it was important. And in the end I was right – they became one of the most influential people in my life.

Since then I’ve become better at being able to tell the role I will play in other’s lives. I can have people reach out to me and I can tell I am meant to be the teacher. There are other times I can think to myself “I am meant to learn a lot here” and I make sure to listen as much as possible. And there are times that still surprise me. But there is a kind of relationship or bond where you both benefit from one another. It is the best kind of combination you can hope for.

It’s the people with whom you mutually teach and learn together, with respect and unconditional love, that become your tribe. They are the people where you each add value to one another’s lives, where you each meet with a respect for one another, where you walk away from any conversation and experience with them feeling better within life. These are the people who you feel eternally grateful for no matter how long or short they’re in your life. They are the people you know (even if you drift apart) you will always wish them the very best in life. I’ve been blessed to have had a handful of these people and if you find people like this know that they are your tribe. Mutual respect, understanding, and unconditional love are rare. Make sure you tell these people what they mean to you and fight to keep them in your life.

That being said, sometimes these people aren’t meant to stay for a long time but are meant to make a huge impact. It will be painful to lose such a meaningful connection in your life but the loss doesn’t change how important it was and it doesn’t change the lessons you learned or the impact you made along the way. We want these connections to last a life time but sometimes your lives don’t land on the same page, not because of anything bad, but because living your best lives takes you to different places. It is important to recognize that and to let them go when you know it’s time. It is important to thinking of them with happiness but not with nostalgia.

I wanted to talk about how special those people are because more often than most there will be people that come into your life who say they love and care for you, who say they support you, but who in turn judge you, who hold things against you, and who tell you that you’re too much of something. I’ve come to realize those aren’t the right people for you and shouldn’t be given time or space in your life. A lot of the people I grew up with were these people. Constantly hiding their manipulation, judgements, and ridicule behind the statements “I care about you”, “I love you”, “I want the best for you” when really all they wanted was for me to conform to who they wanted me to be.

When I started to practice self love and rip these people’s grasps from my mind and liquidate their space from my life I learned the valuable lesson; anyone who doesn’t accept you for who you are doesn’t deserve space in your life (and certainly not your mind). Really anyone who tells you to change who you are isn’t worth your time. If you grow up with these people from a young age it’s even harder to realize that the actions behind their words aren’t caring at all. It is important to differentiate the people in your life who say they want the best for you when really they only want what is best and easiest for them. Even if these people are kind to your face it’s important to understand that if they tell you that you need to change that isn’t “caring” that is in fact the opposite.

I realized a long time ago to not allow people into my life who don’t accept me entirely for who I am. I spent years ridding myself of these people. But sometimes it is the people we are most comfortable with or the people from our past that can slip through our perceived “true friend” gate. Recently I spent two days feeling the worst I have about myself in an extremely long time. I was taken aback as to where it came from because I am proud of who I am even if I am working on myself and constantly wanting to grow and evolve. Because it was so unlike me, after a few days I realized that a person from my past manipulated me and gaslighted me into believing the worst of myself due to unhealed hurt I caused them from the past.

My growth and inner work was strong enough that I was capable of knowing something wasn’t right and realizing my thoughts weren’t my own, my thoughts were manipulated there by someone who resents me while telling me they love and care for me. I have such a strong sense of self that I knew that how I felt about myself in those moments didn’t place right. I took time for self reflection and came back knowing that I am not sorry for a second about who I am, knowing that I am a good person and shouldn’t be held to who I was in the past who was a lonely depressed traumatized girl looking for love and belonging. The experience was a good reminder for me of something I live by and something I whole heartedly tell others to live by – never apologize for who you are.

Thank goodness I have my tribe and those people reminded me that how this person viewed me was far from the truth. They made it easy for me to snap out of someone else’s manipulation and walk away from it. I encourage you to find your tribe in a world that is so ready to judge (if you haven’t already) and to look at and understand that your roles in people’s lives will be different, just as they will be to you, but your past does not define you. Who you are today, in this moment, this is who you are. And every day you get to make the choice of the type of people you keep in your life, of what you do with your days, the kind of life you want to lead, and how you want to see yourself. So everyday I hope that you choose to keep people in your life who love and accept you unconditionally, I hope you fill your days with what brings you joy, I hope you choose kindness and compassion, and I hope that you choose to love yourself. And remember at the end of the day never apologize for who you are.

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One Heart, Two Homes

June 29, 2017June 29, 2017 Living Life Without Limits

Someone once said to me “I think you can fall in love with cities the same way you fall in love with people”. I didn’t know it then but that statement would have a profound influence on my life. In my travels, and the countries I’ve lived in, I have learned that cities hold their own personalities just like people. One city can hurt you and another can heal you, one will be a place where you’ll thrive and another will be one with struggle.

Each city you reside in will bring out different parts of your personality. They have ways of forcing different parts of yourself to the surface. Of showing you different traits and skills are more important there than you may be use to. You are never the same person in each place you call home. Different cultures, languages, and lifestyles help to shape and mold your daily life. I am a different version of myself in each city/country and because of that I care for them differently.

Over the years I have come to know well the blessing and curse of having multiple places that you consider home. It is truly amazing to have multiple places in the world you can go to and feel at home. But your heart will never be whole again. No matter where you are there will always be another place you miss. That is the compromise you make in your heart when you love more than one place at the same time.

You see, I have one heart but two homes. I grew up in the Fraser Valley of British Columbia, Canada and it will always be where I come from. It will always be “the true north strong and free”. I feel I have its beauty to thank for leading me to pick up a camera and start shooting. But I left that home and moved to London, United Kingdom. There is where I made a home and built friends into family. Where I fell in love with its streets and the European life. These two places hold two very different lifestyles for me and I love both.

In British Columbia the outdoor adventurer in me becomes prevalent. You’ll catch me in work out clothes, doing yoga, climbing mountains, swimming in the oceans or chasing waterfalls. But B.C. is mainly an unrequited love. No matter how much I love the natural beauty it has never treated me right. It is not where I am happiest, it is not where I am most appreciated, it is not where I feel like I am living my best life.

In London you’ll find me in formal business clothes, sitting in rooftop bars and beautiful places, enjoying the city life. It is where I chose to live for myself and where I built a home. It is a city I fell head over heels in love with and where I always feel complete. In London I am always grateful and happy. I have been the healthiest I’ve ever been. And I had friends who became family that love and support me unconditionally.

When I am in London I do miss the beauty of always seeing mountains and having the ocean or a lake just a short drive away. But when I am in B.C. there is a part of me that is missing. When I am in British Columbia I know which one has my heart more because there are times I can sob from how much I miss London and the United Kingdom. And when my plane lands in London I get this overwhelming sense of calm, happiness, and peace. I know I am where I need to be.

I love both for different reasons and they each have a different place in my heart. They are both great loves of my life but different loves. I have no doubt that throughout my life I will come back to British Columbia to visit and spend months exploring its beauty. But it’s not where I will build my future. Instead London is a city I can see myself in for a long time. I don’t know that I will grow old there but it will be a significant chunk of my life.

You see there are some places that are special and unlike any other on the planet in the way they make you feel about yourself and your life. You feel like your life is a gift, you are always grateful and even on the days when your life may be up in flames you still feel lucky that you live in such an amazing place. London is that place for me and I’ve come to know how extremely unique that is to find. And my piece of advice is: if you find that place for yourself don’t let it go for anything.

Cities have a way of unlocking different parts to yourself that you didn’t know existed. London for me is a place where I thrive, where I am sure of myself, and where I am irrevocably happy. I became the woman I knew I always had in me but was beaten down and wired for struggle in Canada. Sometimes the home we were raised in isn’t the place we are meant to stay in. I encourage people to make homes in different cities and countries. You’ll discover new places but more importantly you’ll discover yourself.

Having a nomad and wanderlust filled heart I will always be moving and exploring and making different countries home. And in my travels I will miss my homes. But I know I have to explore and experience the world. I need to keep learning and discovering parts of myself. And in the end of the day I know that London will always be the one. The one I come back to, the one I am my truest self in, the one that I will love most.