It’s important to hold space for ourselves and what we need. It’s also just as important to check our own judgments and opinions. To remember that opinions that aren’t asked for is a form of mental manipulation against another to bind your anxiety and fear. Telling someone an unasked for opinion using the excuse that it is okay because you “love and care” for them is gas lighting.
A judgment over another is an internal fear placed outward. It is not someone else’s responsibility to make you feel comfortable. When judgments or the need to give an un-asked for opinion arise it’s good practice to stop and ask yourself, “What am I making this mean about me and my own world?”, “What in my life is reflecting onto this person?”, “What fear or past hurt is their situation reminding me of? If this is hurting me does it mean it’s healed?”, “Why do I need so desperately to feel right in this situation? What do I make it mean if I am not right? Is that the truth?”, “Is this my personal situation and life? So is this my responsibility to have an opinion on?”, “Is there a way I can care for this person without forcing my way of life onto them?”, “Do others exist only to please me? Then what am I trying to fix (within my view of the world) by forcing them into my world view?”, “Do I know this persons life story? Do I know the truth of them? So is it right for me to judge them?”.
Your anxiety is not someone else’s responsibility, which means your opinions on someone else’s situation are not serving the other person or yourself. Judgments do not bring value, add benefit, or help someone’s growth. Judgments are simply hurting someone else and yourself in the process. It comes from a place of the ego (lizard) brain, which is a deep place of insecurity. It brings you into a toxic place where you’re hoping to tare down someone else to make yourself feel more comfortable about your current situation. It’s not compassion for others and it’s not compassion for yourself.
Always remember: it is not your situation, you are not that person, and it is not your life journey, therefore what you think of it is irrelevant – regardless of that person’s relationship to you.
People forget to let other people live. They forget that others are not meant to look the same, act the same, and think the same as them. No one needs to do something just because you think it’s right. It is from a place of ego that we try to assimilate others to our way of life versus accepting we are all on our own journeys. You only attack someone else’s being or situation when you believe the world was built for you, to please you – which is a mistake a lot of us make within our human experience because we live and think in a first person narrative.
But we share this planet with other humans all having their own human experience of love, of joy, of happiness and also of heartbreak, of hurt, and of trauma. We can look different, we can live differently, we can speak differently but one thing is constant in all of our human experiences and that is our wide array of emotions. It’s with that reminder and understanding that we can keep in mind that we are all dealing with things someone else doesn’t see or know but our experience, our worth, and our need for unconditional love and acceptance is just as deep as anyone else.
When we choose to judge others we choose to disconnect from compassion and connection. When we choose judgment we choose to align with our ego, we choose hate over love, and we choose to stay within our insecurities. When a judgment arises that shows you where in yourself you need healing. I encourage you to use judgment as an aid and tool for your own healing journey. To pause before making judgment, have internal reflection, and instead of voicing that opinion or judgment; offer your friends and family unconditional support, offer a stranger kindness versus pettiness, and offer yourself room to grow versus staying in a destructive toxic environment within avoidance of your own emotions.
It is within our judgments and trying to control someone else’s situation that we are failing to accept the universe for what it is. We are failing to allow others to be their own individuals. We are failing to live in alignment with ourselves. If we are constantly grasping at things outside ourselves it is because we are too afraid to heal what is going on internally. But it is only when we tune inward, when we connect to our emotions, that we can begin to heal and work with our core wounds to be able to live in more harmony.
But we equally have to remember that our own fear of judgment from others is a judgment on ourselves. It is a form of comparison and a need to people please as a way to win love and acceptance instead of knowing our own worth regardless of others approval. It is when we are living in alignment with ourselves, at peace with our self worth, and in a place of self-love that other peoples judgments do not bother us. It is when they bring up anger inside of us that we too are holding onto a fear, an expectation, or an unhealed part of ourselves.
If you’re the one experiencing judgment it’s important to prioritize self care and to ask what you need in that moment. It is also a tool for evolution in your life; re-evaluate the type of people, community, and “loved ones” you keep around you. We are all on our own healing journeys – remember that someone else’s judgments of you is about themselves and their internal healing that they’ve projected onto you. Someone’s judgment of you is a reflection of themselves. That doesn’t mean we don’t have our own work to do, it simply means that we do not have to hold others negativity toward us.
There is a quote by Yogi Bhajan that changed my life and continues to serve as an important reminder, “If you are willing to look at another person’s behaviour toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all.”
It can hurt to be in a place you want to celebrate and to have the people you care about respond in judgment. But knowing that it isn’t personally about you, even if they’ve made it personal, helps to aid you in your journey. It is important to remember also, in these times, it may be a milestone that you’re elevating yourself higher than you’ve previously been and at times that means a chapter is finished in a relationship. Other times it may mean that entire story ends.
When someone can no longer see you and support you as you are, you’re no longer on the same page in your healing. That does not devalue what you’ve learned, the memories you’ve made, and how you’ve grown. What it means is that you’ve simply outgrown the relationship or moved onto separate directions. Things have run their course. This is a normal human experience and a sign it is time to move on. And while endings can be sad, it is something to celebrate that you lived out the course of a friendship fully.
Judgment comes from a place of disconnect but it invites us (whether giving or receiving judgment) to learn, heal, and grow. Each emotion or action that can be deemed “negative” has room for positive. Each experience has room for learning if we are open to it. And our lives are a healing journey if we open our hearts to evolving as much as we can as human beings.
We each have our own journeys, our own healing, our own learning. We cannot dictate someone else’s journey or how they should live it. We all learn lessons in different times and we cannot control how someone else heals. The best we can do is support them in their endeavours and to know that they will get to where they are meant to be (where they are meant to be we wont ever know). The best we can do is offer others compassion and love and light on their journey.
If you truly trust the universe and yourself then you release all need to control your surrounding environment. When you’re at inner peace you release the need to control others. When you allow yourself to just be as you are and celebrate in self-love and self-worth you set yourself free. It isn’t a destination to be won, this is a lifetime of work. Healing is a lifetime of work and constant practice. But it is with that practice that you find peace. I choose to heal. I choose to evolve. I choose peace.